is your mom at the bar?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize