I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
