Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
