I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
