Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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