Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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