it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I would fuck him just for his dog
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
