she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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