I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
