i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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