The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
