if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
