How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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