I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
