Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize