I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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