I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
