I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
