I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
