I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize