GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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