You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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