so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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