I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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