dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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