Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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