he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
