One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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