So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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