please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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