my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize