I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
