I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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