I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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