Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
