I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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