Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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