i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
