I will die if light touches me.
no, he came in my armpit
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
