The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
