I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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