I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
