Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
