Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
