then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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