I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
