he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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