I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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