just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
