Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
