im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
