I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
