I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
