i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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