Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
