Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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