What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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