i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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