Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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