i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
