I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
