I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want a musical about memes.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
