He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
