What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
